Post your jokes!!!

[grygst76]

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup,he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So
the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said,

Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him
over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician

asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."
What?, he had two @rseholes???" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town,

folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two assholes....'"



A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a
little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladder hung off the side
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet and had the wagon tied to a
dog and cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and noticed the
girl had tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says. "I don't want to tell you how to run
your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster".

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a
siren".



I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack asses.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains-in-the-ass are permanent.

[grygst76]

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant
who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the
aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely
people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a
muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I
asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on
the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put
the tray up, Bitch."


Fish Sticks


One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."



Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

[ZIPPY]

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fools!"


The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

[ZIPPY]

A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to fuck you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[ZIPPY]

A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."
Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.
The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"
"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit."
"WHAT? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"
Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.
The second guy said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers. "This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.
"It ain't gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own shit."
"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers.
In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit?"
"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

[grygst76]

Pretty funny shit!!:thumbsup:




A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.

The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses.

He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."

The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a rubber, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."


Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."


http://www.hekkuli.org/~hekkuli/flash/MadCow.swf


good ass flash movies!!!!


Big Gay Bubba

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=77937
---------------------------

Bush And Blair "Gay BAR!"

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=96034
---------------------------

The Beer Song!

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=95856
---------------------------

Rap Video - Big Bad Wolf

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=63136
---------------------------

You Kicked my dog

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=76115
---------------------------

KinderGarden Cop Pranks

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=9859
---------------------------

Ding Wang calls

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=124004
---------------------------

FartMaul

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=18621
---------------------------

Proper Use Of English

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=61856
---------------------------

Ugly Mean Chickie

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=4768
---------------------------

Hot Duck

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=14130
--------------------------

Dead Rat

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=14198
--------------------------



ENJOY...

[ZIPPY]

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"


Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father",
his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want
to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark
and steel the fucking thing!"

Jacob Levy Had finished his hawking rounds for the week and had done very well.
So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known
King's Cross brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over
there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.' Jacob
decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.
More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went
to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a
friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'
'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'
'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'
To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd
have been a Chinaman

Q: What is the difference between a white owl and a black owl?
A: A white owl goes, "Who, who," a black owl goes, "Who dat? Who dat?"

[ZIPPY]

Ebonics Ten Commandments

1. I be God. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin like dat.


There is a guy painting a house and he gets tired of painting and goes to a
whorehouse and says, "Give me the biggest black woman that you have"
So the Madame at the whorehouse says, "Go upstairs she's in the corner,"
So the painter goes upstairs and says, "Spread your legs as much as possible."
She does and he walks away. The black woman then says, "Is that all you wanted?"
he says, "Yeah, I'm painting my house black. I wanted to see how it would look
with pink shudders."

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.
"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache
I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."
A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"



A little girls came running into the house with tears streaming down her face.

"Quick, Mummy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!"

"Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away."

Confused, but weary of the child's noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl
dunked her hand in it.

"It still hurts," whinged the girl. "The cider doesn't work."

"What are you on about? Just tell me!" the mum said, raising her voice.

"Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick
in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

[grygst76]

Penis Requests a Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[ZIPPY]

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the
woman behind the counter and shouts, "open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank!" the woman replies "it's a "sperm" bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it.", he says.
"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot. "Now take
another bottle and drink it."
"But sir, I just drank one!"
"Drink another one or I'll shoot you!"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and
the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, Honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult, is it?"


Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the guy replied


A deaf - mute nervously approached the chemist
shop counter to buy some condoms.
He opened his fly, placed his cock on the counter,
pointed to it and laid $5 next to it.
With an understanding nod, the pharmacist whipped
out his cock, laid it beside the other man's, grinned
in triumph, took the cash and walked away.


Having determined that the husband was infertile, a childless couple decided to try
artificial insemination.
When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress, get up on the
table and place her feet in the stirrups.
She was feeling very comfortable about the whole situation and when the doctor
started dropping his pants, she freaked.
"Wait a second! What the hell is going on here?" she yelled.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, but…" stammered the woman.
"Well lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor.
"Were out of the bottled stuff, so you'll just have to settle for what's on tap."


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then
he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows
it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the
little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his
bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender
is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the bloke.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says
the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[ZIPPY]

A lady was doing her spring cleaning in her 12th floor apartment. She was just
shaking out a rug on her balcony when a strong gust of wind caught the rug and
carried her over the edge.
As she was falling, a guy reached out of the eighth floor window and caught her.
"Do you fuck?" the guy asked.
"No, of course I don't!" the woman replied, so the guy dropped her.
As she hurtled past the fifth floor, another guy caught her.
"Do you suck?" he asked.
"Definitely not!" the woman replied angrily, so the guy also dropped her.
As she approached the earth, she prayed to god to give her another chance
at life.
As she plummeted past the second floor a third guy miraculously caught her.
"I fuck!, I suck!" the woman screamed in a frenzy of fear.
"Dirty slut," the guy said, and let her go.


Joe walked in the door after work and announced his arrival
"I'm upstairs taking a douche," his wife called out.
"I thought I told you never to talk like that," Joe said.
"What do you want?" his wife replied. "Good grammar or good taste?"


Bill joined the foreign legion, and was assigned to a fort, way out in the Sahara
desert, far from any town. During his orientation session, he asked the sergeant
what the legionnaires did when they had to relieve their urge.
"The desert provides, son," the sergeant said. "When you feel the need at night
go to the hut by the palm tree outside the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your
dick in the hole and you'll get relief."
Bill was very skeptical, but soon he was about to go out of his skull. He waited until
the sun descended, then ran out to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole. Sure enough,
a pair of warm lips surrounded his member and quickly brought him to ecstasy. Bill
suddenly had a new view of life in the legion. He visited the hut the next night and the
third. But on the fourth night, when he thrust his penis in, nothing happened. He rushed
back, found the sergeant and asked him what the hell was going on.
"Forgot to tell you," the sergeant said, "it's your night to sit in the hut."


There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to
walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

[ZIPPY]

God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested Venus.
"Forget it," God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned.
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there
5,000 years ago and froze my arse off". A third advisor suggested Earth.
"That's the worst," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and
they're still accusing me of knocking up some stupid Jewish bitch!"


A frustrated housewife decided her sex life needed spicing up after 20 years
of marriage. After her husband went to work she slipped out and went into
a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home,
tarted herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to
go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from
him after she prepares him a drink.
She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky come fuck me voice say's
"Honey, would you like some of this?"
The husband looks between his aging wife's legs and lets out his breath,
looking up at his doting wife replies, "HELL, NO! Look what its done to
your fuckin' underwear."


A black guy was driving a Mercedes, when suddenly one of the tires went flat.
While he was changing his flat tire another Negro came up behind him
and smashed the front window saying: "'right brotha, you take dem tires, I'll take the stereo!"

An old farmer was sitting on his front porch one day, watching the world
go by, when a young kid went by carrying a whole bunch of wire.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha carrying that wire for, son?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal wire, this is chicken wire!
I'm gonna go catch me some chickens with it."
The farmer said, "Silly kid, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The kid ignored him and went on down the road. Several hours later, the kid
went walking up the road the other direction, carrying a dozen chickens all
bound up in chicken wire.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying several rolls of tape.
The farmer yelled out, "Whatcha doing with all that tape?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just normal tape, this is duck tape.
I'm gonna go catch me some ducks with it."
The farmer replied, "Silly kid, don't you know you can't catch ducks with
duck tape?"
The kid ignored him and went on his way. Several hours later, the kid returned
walking up the road carrying a whole bunch of ducks, all wrapped up in duck tape.
The next day, the farmer was sitting on his porch again, and the kid walked by
again, this time carrying a stick. The farmer yelled out, "Where ya going with
that stick?"
The kid replied, "This isn't just a normal stick. This is a pussy willow."
The farmer said, "Hold on right there kid. Let me get my hat..."


A MAN and wife are driving down the road speeding when a cop pulls them over.
The cop asks "did you know you were speeding?" The man replies "I was really?
I never speed I can't believe it". The wife interrupts and says "don't listen to him
he always speeds". The man looks to the wife and says will you shut up. The cop
asks for the man's license and the man replies "oh my, you're not going to believe
this but I forgot my license. I never leave home without it usually" The wife interrupts
and says "don't listen to him he never takes his license with him. He doesn't think he'll
ever get caught" the husband turns to the wife and says "will you shut the up!" At this
point the cop goes around to the wife’s side of the car and asks "madam, does your
husband always talk to you like this?" She replies "Oh no, only when he's drunk".




A young kid was walking down the road with his father when they
saw a dead sparrow lying upside down on the pavement.
"Daddy, why is the bird lying there?"
"Because it's dead, son" answered the father.
"Why is it lying with its feet in the air?"
Dad was a bit stumped. "That is so Jesus can come down, pick it
up and carry it to heaven."
They walked along a bit, then the boy said "Mummy nearly died
yesterday." "What do you mean?" asked the father.
"Well, when I got home from school yesterday, she was lying on
the bed with her legs in the air, and she was shouting `Jesus, I'm coming!'.
If the milkman hadn't been lying on top of her we'd have lost her for sure!"

[ZIPPY]

Two mates were having a beer and talking about Freudian slips.
The first said "Well. I went the other day to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh
and I saw the ticket seller and she was beautiful with the biggest, most
magnificent pair of breasts I'd ever seen. I was overcome. I went up to
her to buy my ticket and instead of saying 'Excuse me, can I have a ticket
to Pittsburgh?' I said 'Excuse me, can I have a picket to Tittsburgh?' I was
so embarrassed I didn't know what to do."
"I know what you mean," said the other guy. "Yesterday I was having
breakfast with my wife as usual. I meant to say to her 'Could you please
pass the butter.' But it came out as 'You bitch! You've ruined my fucking life!'"


Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes
on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks "
What's that mum ? " His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she
came up with the following, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe!" and
little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"


Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before.
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it
will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.
"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.
"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It had a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is
hell, I really want to see heaven."
"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds,
with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but
not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think
I'd prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall
screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by
demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he
screamed.
"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.
Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented
disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited
two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that
other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the
water????"
"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

[IllKneeGrow]

A little boy walks up to his mother one day and he asks her "Mommy what am I going to be when I grow up?" The mother looks at her son and said "Nothing, you have cancer."




Q:What is E.T. short for?


A:Because he has little legs.




and now i can't remember the others i was going to post.

[540Malibu]

BMS

[bottledbird68]

Originally posted by 540Malibu
BMS BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :lol: :lol: